My lover is great, but our past haunts me

Hi Rosie,

So, where do I begin?….Here goes. When I was 15, I met this guy and fell completely in love with him (we were each other’s first love). We dated for a year and everything was great. Rosie, I was in school at the time and he never once tried to or asked to have sex at any time. We were great together, until one day out of the blue, I just stopped seeing him and oh, Rosie, I hurt so much; and then I saw him one day in town with another girl and that was when my already fragile heart was crushed.{{more}}

That one thing changed me forever. I became angry, withdrawn and self-destructive. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I begged my family to send for me overseas. Years passed I moved away to another country Rosie and this guy was still on my mind. I compared everybody to him. I never stayed in a relationship for too long; as soon as I started to feel anything I will end it. I locked my heart away where no one could touch it. Fifteen years passed Rosie and this guy was still on my mind. I couldn’t move on (keep in mind that since that day I saw him in town with that girl I never saw him again).

In 2013, I decided to come back home on vacation, after being away for 16 years and the morning after I arrived, the first person I saw was this guy and I swore that my heart stopped for a minute. We spoke and I ask him what happened? What went wrong? And he said that someone told him that I was cheating on him and he left because he couldn’t deal with it and he couldn’t compete with the guy that I was allegedly cheating on him with and he went on and told me how much I hurt him and that he doesn’t believe in love because of me and how much he hated the person that he had become because I cheated on him. This guy has changed so much, the stories about him will make you run the other way; but Rosie, my heart loves this guy so much, although I know what he had become. I can only see him as who he was 15 years ago. He never lied to me about anything; he told me everything. The good …the bad and very, very ugly.

Fast forward today and we are in a long distance relationship going on to three years and besides distance, it’s great. He surpasses my expectation I never have to worry about him, who he is with and with whom. We go to sleep on Skype and wake up on Skype every day. I know with every fibre in me that he loves me and although people kept telling me that he is going to hurt me because of his reputation with women, I know that he wouldn’t. He proves to me every day that he is not that guy anymore.

The problem is that I still feel hurt that he left me all those years ago over something that wasn’t even true. I get angry with him for giving up on me so easily. I love him; no one has ever made me feel like this; no one has ever loved me with the kind of love that he is loving me with, but I just can’t seem to get past the fact that he left. He keeps telling me that he was young and stupid, and wants to now do what he can to make me not hurt anymore. But Rosie, it just pops into my head at times and I feel that pain as if it had just happened. I am trying, but I can’t seem to get past that he hurt me. Please give me your advice, because I am hurting him and I am hurting me.

Hurting

Hello Hurting,

I have to tell you, your situation had me riveted! You took me through all of your emotions: happiness, hurt, anger, bitterness, rebirth and doubt. Wow, you are a fighter and I know that you can get through this.

Ok, let’s talk; you do realize that you have to let go of the initial pain of your 15-year-old self, right? You kept yourself locked in the intensity of your first teenage love affair and the betrayal and hurt that you felt when he stopped speaking to you because of a complete lie. You have to first release this hurt before moving on.

Secondly, I am pretty sure that even though you and your boyfriend are building a new future together (even though you are presently living apart), you BOTH should seek some form of counselling individually and together. There is even couples counselling that’s done online, via Skype. You both have many insecurities from the past that MUST be addressed for this relationship to be successful in the long run.

Finally, I feel as though you guys are having this second chance to reconnect and also heal. But this would be such a missed opportunity for growth and insight about who you really are. Stop living in the past; life will always have bumps and trials, but the sign of a true survivor is how we face what scares us head on. I believe in you and I know you can get past your past. Embrace what’s good, my friend; it’s worth it.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or PO Box 152, Kingstown, St Vincent & the Grenadines.