My girlfriend lied to me for 10 years!

Hi Rosie,

This is a story spanning 10 years, so please bear with me.

I met a girl in 2006 when I was 23 and she was turning 24. We met at work; she was from Poland and came here to the UK to be with her then BF. We immediately hit it off and became great friends. It was early days, but even then I felt a sense of responsibility to look after her, to be a guy she could always depend on.{{more}}

She was having problems with her bf, which she confided in me about. She moved out and we became closer. She expressed her interest in me after a couple months and I too expressed how I felt, but I held back, as we are of different cultures and I know that can be an issue sometimes (I’m Indian). Time went on and the chemistry between us grew to the point of spilling over. We made love and my heart was hers from then on; she was my first.

For the next couple years, we were great together and my love for her was indescribable.

I wasn’t the worst boyfriend, but I wasn’t the best either… I had my flaws. One major flaw which she couldn’t see past was that I wouldn’t spend the night with her. I had a family home and there is where I would sleep. Despite that, I was always with her. I was never abusive, demeaning, selfish or controlling.

Throughout this time, she had many problems with her friends, but I was always there for her. On top of this, her Mum was diagnosed with cancer!

Eventually, I could see I was hurting her and that she wasn’t happy; so we ended the relationship. But I couldn’t keep away and she still wanted me around.

I made many romantic gestures, such as flowers, teddy bears, even sending a singer to her office to sing a song on Valentine’s Day. But she wasn’t interested in rekindling our relationship, even though we would still kiss sometimes and hug and hold hands.

Her Mum’s condition worsened and she left for Poland in Dec 2012 and two weeks before she left we made love again and spent the evening together. It was so hard for me to say goodbye. We talked via email and Skype often, and she visited the UK in the spring of 2013. Again we hung out all the time, and we made love again, the chemistry between us still burning. I never stopped loving her.

She returned and as time went on, she became more distant. Her Mum passed away in Dec 2013, a year after she returned home. She became more distant and finally told me that she was seeing someone else. I tried to keep contact, but she wasn’t interested.

Recently, one of her best friends told me that two years before leaving the UK the girl I thought I knew was seeing another man… and he was 56 years old, fat and unattractive, married with four kids! On top of that, she apparently missed him, but did not have any care for me whatsoever!

I am beyond heartbroken and the feeling of betrayal is seething within my heart, which used to be so big and is now reduced to shreds. She lied to me, to my face for years and even when she returned home. I wrote an email venting all my anger and vitriol. I said some bad things; I was so angry! Her only response was to leave her alone…. no apology or nothing.

I have emptiness in my heart and I know that it’s not right, but how can she get away with treating me like this?? All that time she was lying and using me.

I want to lash out in some way, tell every one of her dirty little secrets; then she won’t be so smug. But at the same time, I don’t want to carry hate around with me either.

Thanks, Mick

Dear Mick,

Talk about a saga of love, deceit, lies and heartache!

So, it would seem as though, based on what you’ve written, that you were very much emotionally invested in every angle of your ex-girlfriend’s life and she was not as vested in you. Please recognize that in all of these experiences you have had with her, were many life lessons to pull from in the future. You should also then sit yourself down and ask yourself what attributes you didn’t like in your ex and what would you like going forward in a potential new relationship.

By nature, it seems as though you’re a nurturer and a caregiver, someone who cares and wants to make sure that the people in your life are happy, safe and accounted for. But you must also remember that not everyone is like you. In this life, some people are just plain users. It’s a painful truth, but one you must recognize. Your ex was a user. Be grateful that you never married her and moreover had no children with her. Consider this painful chapter of your life an important lesson that you will carry with you. Also remember that you are worth much more than this type of poor treatment. Bid her farewell mentally and move on without looking back. She is not worth your emotional attachment, period.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com

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