My husband is disabled and shows no appreciation for my efforts. Should I leave?

Hey Rosie,

I have a big problem and I need help before I go mad. My husband took sick a couple years ago, which left him disabled. I have all the bills, including the mortgage and we are under financial strain. My husband nags me and nothing I do seems to make him happy. As soon as I come from work, he expects me to do household chores without even resting for five minutes. Note very well he can’t do anything to help, but he complains.{{more}}

The Bible says “in sickness and in health,” but his verbal torture is driving me crazy. If I leave, society will say it is because he sick and he is not bringing in money. He finds time to text his ex-girlfriend, but can’t text me to find out how am I doing at work. Chikungunya affected me, but he expects me to do the same amount of work that I am accustomed to doing daily in the house. Yet, when it affected him, I did everything for him, since he couldn’t help himself. Do you think he needs to see a psychologist, or I should I leave him and not bother what society or my church says? It is only the person in the kitchen who feels the heat. I do everything to make him happy, but somehow his countenance doesn’t show gratefulness. We are a young couple, so I desperately need your advice.

Depressed

Dear Depressed,

This is deep! My heart actually goes out to BOTH of you. What a test of faith, honour and resiliency you both are facing. I feel for you, because many people wouldn’t even take the time that you are, to decide if they should stay or go. So, I know you must still care on some level for your husband, even though you are jammed into a difficult corner at the moment.

I am going to jump past a lot of what you mentioned and go to the suggestion of him seeing a psychologist. I think this is a brilliant idea! I think you both should go – where you can see, talk and vent to this professional individually and as a couple. I never like to jump to suggesting that you break up a marriage because of some very trying experiences. I do have exceptions to this rule, though; for example, if someone is trying to kill you, there is incest within the family, or the other party has mentally checked out and has no desire to work on the union. In those cases it’s time to cut your losses, seek counselling for yourself and move on.

But in your case, I am advocating a moment for your husband and his very poor behaviour. Even though he has had a rough deal in life and is disabled, he is truly biting the hand that feeds him, according to you. But I wonder if he is going through a very deep and masked emotion of feeling emasculated? Remember the man is seen as the provider – still in this day and age. He is also seen as the protector as well; now here he is sitting in the same spot, day in and day out, watching you come and go, seemingly having your life and his power is diminished. Now, does this excuse his very, very poor choices? Oh, I think not; I just wanted to plant that seed for a moment.

I am really here applauding you and your patience thus far. Let me say that YOU ARE doing a GREAT job! You also have the right to feel resentment, hurt and betrayal based on what you have shared. Forget society at this point; you have to be true to you. If you feel as though the man you met and loved is in there somewhere and it’s worth the effort to have a professional intervene to help both of you, then do so. Remember only two of you can decide if you want to make this work. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and what you want going forward. Based on his response, you will know your next move.

I really do wish you both the very best.

Rosie

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P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St Vincent & the Grenadines