Happily Ever After: No land for the ‘child-free’?

As she entered the room, it was easy to see why heads turn when Vicky Marsden* is around. She’s attractive, chatty and has a body that most women envy.{{more}} This 29-year-old is a far cry from the stereotypical image of frigid, frumpy-looking older women who shun motherhood. But she is adamant that children do not fit into her equation of life’s happy ending.

Vicky is perplexed by the criticism that engulfs women who choose to be child-free. Although most of her family have come to accept her decision, there are some relatives who still carry a glimmer of hope that she will change her mind later in life. Shaking her head, she scoffed: “Because 29 is way too young to know my own mind, right?”

The self-employed journalism graduate believes that there are probably as many men out there who reject fatherhood but eyelids scarcely bat at that. Instead, child-free women are demonised and seen as unable to hold down a good man. But Vicky shatters that stereotype. She’s in a serious relationship with Claude, who, judging by the photograph of him that she carries in her purse, no sane woman would turn out of bed. Although he has a son from a former marriage, he has no desire to have more children.

Tubal ligation requests denied by doctors

Speaking to Vicky, it’s obvious that it will be a frosty day in hell before she changes her mind but her doctors don’t seem to care. At 21 she requested a tubal ligation referral from her doctor but was promptly refused. “She told me that I wouldn’t get it done on the NHS before I was 28,” the Camberwell, London, resident said.

Seven years later, she made the same request of another female doctor and was yet again denied. The doctor told her that there is a high chance that she could change her mind when she gets older, and the procedure is irreversible. “Even though I told them I would be happy to sign a disclaimer, they all refused!” said Vicky dismayed.

The Marie Stopes International website states that age is no barrier for tubal ligation but advises women under 25 to first seek counselling. There is no such age-appropriate ‘advice’ for men seeking vasectomies.

According to the US National Center of Health Statistics, 6.2 percent of women of child-bearing age declared themselves ‘voluntarily childless’ in 2002 – compared to 4.3 percent in 1990.

16 to 25% of western couples opting not to bear children

In the UK it is difficult to obtain such specific statistics because most research lumps child-free women with those who are medically unable or simply left it too late. The British Childfree Association estimates that 16 to 25 percent of Western couples are opting not to reproduce.

A Google search of ‘voluntary childlessness’ (or the preferred term ‘child-free’) spews a plethora of websites and articles crying shame on these so-called ‘selfish’ women.

The Observer columnist Polly Vernon faced scathing criticism from readers last year when she explained why she enjoys being child-free. In the article ‘It takes guts to say I don’t want children’ she wrote: “Babies are the newest archetype on the happy ending… not wanting them is tantamount to not wanting to be happy.”

In a Mail Online article (‘Why bosses are right to distrust women who don’t want children’) dated May 21, 2009; columnist Carol Sarler condones workplace mistrust of child-free female employees. “Mothers almost always bring something extra to the job,” she writes. “It’s not the mothers… who run the office bitch-fest.”

Stay-home-mom: “It’s an unnatural desire”

Jarmelia Ladson, a South Carolina stay-at-home mum, believes that child-free women have psychological issues. “It’s an unnatural desire,” she declared. She acknowledges that there are a lot of mothers who also have problems, but the solution is not to avoid having children. “They need counselling.”

Child-free women like Bene, Claire and Viv bristled at the suggestion that they chose that lifestyle because they have psychological problems.

Bene Gesserit, a 29-year-old full-time student, comes from a large family and has changed diapers, soothed colic, given midnight feedings and kissed scraped knees. But neither she nor her partner of 11 years has a desire for their own brood.

Bene admitted that most of the criticism she faces comes from casual acquaintances and colleagues. One female colleague accused her of being a ‘godless lesbian’.

“It’s as if how I feel about having children is somehow demeaning their own choices,” the New York resident lamented.

Claire, a 36-year-old London-based financial advisor, maintains that society should be more understanding of the child-free. “A lot of the free stuff for families is heavily subsidised by childless adults,” she pointed out.

Author: “Rich West is producing too many children.”

Lincolnshire, England, science teacher Viv Steadman is greatly amused by the negativity. A male colleague once told her that she had no right to be opining on how parents raised their children when she would never have any. “I told him I might never have genital warts either but I still knew the symptoms,” the 34-year-old giggled.

Author of 40 Reasons Not to Have Children and mother of two Corinne Maier writes: “The rich West is producing too many children, thereby accelerating the depletion of the world’s resources.”

Child -free women must have nerves of steel

Critics refute this, claiming that the problem does not lie in the numbers but rather with individual consumption. However, when the likes of Sir David Attenborough and the United Nations advocate birth control as a form of decreasing climate change, Mrs Maier’s stance is hard to dismiss.

In a Telegraph article (‘Copenhagen climate summit issues’) dated December 8, 2009, Louise Gray writes: “A study by the London School of Economics found that contraception is almost five times cheaper as a means of preventing climate change than conventional green solutions.”

From comments posted on websites like Childfree UK and Childfree by Choice, it is clear that to be vocal about such a lifestyle, a woman has to have nerves of steel or risk being sucked into a vortex of despair and self-loathing.

The vast majority of child-free women who are not ashamed to voice their stance seem to be intelligent, well-adjusted, socially aware, and living their ‘happily ever after’. The human population is not on the brink of extinction, yet animosity towards the child-free persists.

But are the critics truly appalled by this perceived rebellion against human nature, or are they secretly envious of people who dare to lead lives that are not tethered by the restraints of having children?

* name has been changed