As stubborn as a mule

Dear Life Coach,

My 10-year-old daughter is very stubborn and disobedient. She is also very angry with me for some unknown reason. Lately she has been having serious temper tantrums and on these occasions she refuses to eat anything for hours; once she did not eat for a whole day. Sometimes, I force her to eat or threaten to beat her if she does not. At other times, I am so mad that I leave her alone for fear that I might do something I will regret.{{more}} When she was younger, things were better between us; but now I am fearful that if things do not improve, I will lose her as teenage approaches. I want to have a good relationship with my daughter, but I do not know how.

Angry Mom (AM)

Dear AM,

It is often difficult to parent a strong willed child.

Your Situation:

A number of factors are at work here: potential Anorexia Nervosa, explosive behaviour syndrome, parenting style, disciplining, communication, modelling behaviour, abuse/bullying, among others. These I will address briefly.

Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia is an eating disorder in which the individual maintains less than the average body weight by refusing to eat. This causes amenorrhea (absence of menstruation) in females. The individual also intensely fears gaining weight, and has a distorted view of body image.

Explosive Behaviour Syndrome

Explosive behaviour syndrome occurs when a child has behavioral problems due to extreme inflexibility and as a result becomes violent when stressed (e.g. by conflict, or frustration)u which leads to temper tantrums.

Parenting Style

Parenting styles are patterns of care and interaction that parents use with their children. The three types are: authoritarian – parents enforce rigid rules and demand strict obedience to authority; overly permissive – parents give little guidance, allow too much freedom, or don’t hold children accountable for their actions; authoritative – parents provide firm and consistent guidance, combined with love and affection.

Disciplining

Discipline is training that produces orderliness, obedience and self-control. Discipline may be negative (involves punishment) or positive (involves reinforcement/reward).

Effective Communication

Communication is more effective when parents speak in a firm, clear and calm voice to children, including during disciplining. Also, give specific instructions (e.g. I want you to stop screaming right now, or you will not attend your friend’s birthday party tomorrow; indicate that by continuing, a privilege will be denied or that by stopping a reward will be earned).

Modeling Behaviour

Children live what they learn. So, if you want your child to remain calm during times of stress, then you must also maintain calm during times of stress, e.g. when she is having a tantrum.

Child Physical Abuse

Child physical abuse involves physical aggression directed at a child by an adult that causes physical injuries of any kind (e.g. bruises), due to some form of punishment or disciplining. See more at: http://www.dynacii.blogspot.com

Other Problem Areas

Children often become angry and explosive when they are unhappy about something (e.g. abuse, bullying, disappointments or losses) at home, school, or in the community, as they do not possess the emotional capacity to handle such issues or the verbal ability to express themselves.

What to Do:

Explore Potential Problem Areas

Talk with your daughter about recent events, both inside and outside the home (e.g. losses, abuse, disappointments and bullying) that may be causing her to feel sad, as children often express their sadness through anger. Listen and address her concerns. Let her know that you love and care for her.

Model and Aid in Emotion Regulation

Always speak with your daughter in a calm, firm voice. Give specific instructions at all times. Keep your environment stress free by removing situations or things that increase stress for your daughter. Model being calm. Sooth your daughter when she is angry with words (e.g. telling her that things will be okay), or actions (e.g. hugging her). Reframe situations that she sees as negative in a positive way.

Prevent Anorexia

Anorexia may be triggered by a power struggle between child and parent in which the child learns to control food intake (not eating) which is the only area over which he or she has full control. So, give your daughter the freedom to be her own person. Use the following rule: 1. Restricted – restrict things that are a safety concern, e.g. letting her attend a party unsupervised at night. 2. Negotiable – let her choose with respect to things that are negotiable, e.g. attending a party or not. 3. Freedom – allow her freedom with things that are a non-issues, e.g. which dress to wear to a party.

Developmental Tasks

Keep your daughter creatively occupied with activities that are of interest to her (e.g. singing) and ensure that she has positive friends who are an encouragement to her. At this stage of development (middle childhood), children love to learn by doing various things. They also love to interact with other children, and friendships are important to them.

Positive Parenting

As far as is possible use the authoritative style of parenting.

Refrain from Child Abuse

If you have been abusing your child, now is the time to cease and to take corrective action in order to save your relationship with her.

AM, parenting is hard work, but viewing yourself as a coach may be helpful.

NB. For more on disciplining and child abuse please see the book, “Disciplining Your Child.” Email your request to dynacii@gmail.com

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.