My husband is a drunkard

Dear Life Coach,

I met my husband 15 years ago in high school. A year after graduation, he got a job and we started living together. We now have 4 children (10, 8, 6, and 4). Initially, my husband was good to me and our children, so 5 years ago when he suggested marriage, I agreed, because I wanted us to be a real family. My husband changed his job 3 years ago and started working the night shift.{{more}} After a while, he was out very late, even when he was not working. When I asked about it, he said he was playing dominoes with the guys from work. He also smelled of liquor. Now, my husband is a drunkard; when he is not at work, he is out drinking, and whenever he is at home, he is either sleeping off the liquor or making a racket. The drinking has changed him completely; he is loud and rough, as opposed to being quiet and calm as when I first met him. He has also slapped me more than once and each time he apologized and promised not to do it again. I also think that the children are afraid of him, because they have seen me crying because of him. So, whenever he calls them, I can see them cringing. I do not know what to do. I have not been able to work due to pregnancy and childcare. Since my last child, I have tried to find work, but nothing so far. This is not how I saw my life working out. I did not marry a drunkard and I do not want to keep living with one. If my husband continues like this, I don’t know if I will be able to stay with him.

Drunkard’s Wife (DW)

Dear DW,

Alcoholism is a very serious and complex problem for many households. I am very sorry that this has been your experience.

Your Situation:

A number of factors are at work here: alcoholism, domestic violence, emotional abuse, unemployment, financial dependence, learned helplessness/lack of adaptability, among others. These I will address briefly.

Alcoholism

Your husband has been abusing alcohol. Alcoholism may be defined as a mental, emotional and physical state resulting from taking alcohol that involves behavioral and other responses, such as a compulsion to take alcohol on a continuous or periodic basis, in order to experience its effects, and sometimes to avoid the discomfort of its absence. Alcohol interferes with the health or personal adjustment of the drinker and diminishes his (or her) ability to control or limit the intake of alcohol.

Domestic Violence

Your family has been experiencing domestic violence, which are activities of a threatening or violent physical nature that occur within the context of the home.

Emotional Abuse

Domestic violence exposes members of the family to emotional abuse. In addition children may also experience physical and sexual abuse.

Financial Dependence/Unemployment

You have been a homemaker and dependent on your husband for financial support. Research has shown that women with low socioeconomic status or who are unemployed tend to be passive during the violence stage of domestic violence. This may help to explain why you have taken your husband’s slaps and remained in the marriage.

Reinforcement of Domestic Violence

In the Honeymoon stage of domestic violence, the batterer expresses repeated feelings of remorse and promises that it will never happen again. This occurs right after the battering. The perpetrator may shower his wife with gifts and this reinforces her staying in the relationship.

Learned helplessness/Lack of Adaptability

You have never been a breadwinner because you have learned that work is hindered by pregnancy and childcare. However, it may be time to resume your job hunt. Employment will help you to be more independent and provide you with resources, in the event that you have to leave your home.

What to Do:

Help Your Husband to Recognize his Need

There is not much that can be done for your husband until he admits that he is abusing alcohol and needs help. If you can find a way to convince your husband that he has a problem and needs help, then you will be off to a good start. Please note that nagging and/or confrontation will not be helpful.

Treatment for Alcoholism

Once your husband agrees to seek help, you can assist him to get into treatment, which may include a variety of approaches, including inpatient treatment, therapy and Alcoholics Anonymous or other support groups. See more at: http://www.dynacii.blogspot.com

Treatment for Domestic Violence

If at any time your life is at risk, you will need to physically remove yourself and the children from the relationship and the home environment. It may be important now to identify possible shelters that may prove to be useful in such times of crisis.

Family Support

If possible, seek help and support from extended family and or friends.

Counselling

Based on your present situation, you definitely need to speak with a counsellor who can help you to work through some of these issues: domestic violence, emotional abuse, dependency etc.

Seek Employment

Unemployed females are in a powerless and dependent position, due to lack of money for food, transportation and so on. Employment provides support, independence and boosts self-esteem.

DW, it is my hope that you will develop the inner strength to seek refuge outside your home, if the need ever arises.

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.