The effects of pretending…

We live in a world where we are constantly judged by others. We all are aware of many eyes on us all the time, assessing and scrutinizing us. This constant scrutiny forces us to create an ideal image of ourselves and to show this alter image to the world – to our family, at our workplaces, etc. We can take a high stand and tell ourselves, “It doesn’t bother me what people think about me,” but we do get affected. We are always conscious of how we are looking and how the other person is perceiving us.

We pretend to be nice and docile in front of others, although we might be raging from inside, we pretend to smile while we may be crying from inside to show that we are strong, we pretend to be a great saint with no vices just to feel superior to others, the list is endless; we pretend all the time unless and until we are in a room alone with our true selves.

The reality is, pretending constantly to be something you are not or to be of a particular emotional state that you are not has been proven to not be good for your health and overall life. Here are a few reasons, why continually pretending your life is something it is not, may be bad for your health:
1.  To pretend is to put yourself in an emotional pressure cooker. If you are pretending that everything is ‘fine’ when it’s not, the unacknowledged feelings will build up inside of you until you can no longer pretend that you are fine. We all at some point must admit and acknowledge that is it okay to not be fine!

2.  Unacknowledged feelings create anxiety and depression. Many have learned to suppress their feelings and replace them with other, more destructive things such as, alcohol, sex, excessive social media, food, gaming, gambling.

Whatever we don’t address, will ultimately affect us, so the longer we suppress our feelings, the more violent the eruption can be in the end.

3. Failing to fully acknowledge our feelings is a form of self-harm. The whole point of being human is that it is visceral and messy. Healing can be very messy. Recovery from any kind of mental health issue is difficult but, the irony of that is, it is totally normal.

4. Living authentically takes courage. Really being yourself takes courage. Being authentic takes real guts. It means sometimes being alone as many may not be able to handle your realness but in the end, your honesty with yourself will be worth it.

5. Pretending not to be yourself is exhausting. In my line of work, as a psychologist, I meet many persons who pretend constantly, in every aspect of their lives. They change to fit in with the circumstances and persons around them. I often liken this to the changing process of a chameleon. While I understand the protective or defensive reason for changing constantly, I am also mindful that every time the chameleon changes, it is slowly dying. In like manner, as human beings, when we are not stable with our identity and willing to stand our ground; every time we change, we are slowly dying psychologically, emotionally and in some instances even physically.

6. It damages your relationships. If you start a relationship pretending to be someone or something you’re not, you’re walking into a hailstorm of anxiety and perfectionism where you second-guess every possible move you make in a bad game of internal chess. And when the artifice crumbles and reveals you as you are, you will crumble, too.

How can someone stop pretending?

According to writer Sofo Archon, it is difficult to stop pretending. We have been so used to pretending that our whole life is based on it. Hence to stop pretending would shake our life from its very foundations, and only few people are courageous enough to do that. If you are one of those rare individuals, here is a practical guide, proposed by Achron that can help you to stop pretending and start revealing your true self to yourself and the world:

• Learn to say “no.” To say “yes” is not a bad thing, but to say “yes” when your heart feels like saying “no” is certainly not a good thing. Never be afraid to express your true thoughts and feelings, even if they oppose those of others.
• Stop trying to please others if you don’t feel like it (Remember: helping is one thing, sacrificing yourself is another).
• Don’t imitate. Everyone is different so everyone should live his or her own way.
• To copy another’s way of life simply means to suppress yourself. So, create your own path and walk on it.
• Speak the truth. Be honest first with yourself and then with those you come in contact. To lie means to constantly experience anxiety because each lie must be covered up by another lie, and so on ad infinitum. Being honest is the best way to be at peace with yourself and others.
• Dare to be alone. It is better to be alone and true to yourself and confident for who you are, than to be in the company of others by lying out of fear. Only when you have overridden the fear of being alone, will you be able to let go of the need for social approval. This, in turn, will allow you to build genuine relationships.
• Do what you love. No matter what others expect from you, don’t compromise your way of life. Whatever you enjoy doing, keep on doing, whether others like it or not. This will keep you tuned into your inner voice.

‘Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.’ ~Oscar Wilde