I am no longer attracted to my fiancé – how do I tell him?

Hey Rosie,

I’ve been reading and enjoying your column for many years now and I hope you can help me out of this life struggle I am going through. I’ve been with my fiancé since 4th Form and we have finished university, are living in the US with decent careers and are about to get married Spring of 2016.{{more}}

He is a very cool guy and both of our families get along, in fact we are more like siblings than young lovers. This is the problem: I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t have the heart to tell him either, but I can’t go through with this marriage, especially with all the money we are spending including saving money towards getting our first place. Rosie, I don’t want counselling either; I just want out. It’s not another guy either, I just would like the freedom to enjoy my life as a single woman and in all fairness, so should he. How do I tell him and not hurt him?

I’m Done

Dear I’m Done,

There is no getting around not hurting him; it’s going to be a painful thing to end this relationship after so many years together. It’s really like grieving a loss, to be frank. You do have a rough road ahead of you.

You said you are not interested in counselling, but you should reconsider this stance because you are going to need it when the fallout happens. Let me say that I admire the fact that you realize that you are NOT in love with your fiancé and you don’t think it’s fair to continue along the road that you are on. Not many people would have the guts to do this, but you have to also realize that you are severing some serious ties which can lead to some bad feelings, not just from him, but his family and even yours. You are going to need to get the support in order to deal with the fall-out.

Also, know that this doesn’t mean that you might not revisit this relationship with your fiancé later on in life. You are just evolving into a different place and this can sometimes be confusing as well. But rest assured you are very normal; in fact you are doing something that most people would cringe and shy away from. Also be kind and understanding (well, as much as you can during this time) to your fiancé; this may be coming out of left field, so it will not be easy for him at all. I know it may seem odd that I am not saying try to work it out and are you sure about your decision. But at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with your decisions. So, I wish you all the best as you go forward in your world of your “new normal” life.

Rosie

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