If my mother and father didn’t like me, who else would?

Dear Life Coach,

I am a twenty-six-year-old woman and I live alone; I have no children, no boyfriend and no family around. I feel lonely and afraid all the time. I work, but I also have no friends at work; I am usually very quiet, and do whatever I have to do. When I was young, my mother beat me mercilessly all the time. She said she did not want children, but my father got her pregnant and then left.{{more}} If neither my mother nor my father liked me, then who else would? I was right. No one ever befriended me. So, I was always isolated and withdrawn at school – in fact I have been lonely all my life. My mother died a couple years ago and I have no siblings. My mother separated herself from her family because she said that they did not like her. Lately, I can hear voices in my head; they tell me I am no good, that I will be sick, and that I will die. I feel lonely, sad and tormented.

Hearing Voices (HV)

Dear HV,

You are scared – wondering if you are going out of your mind.

A number of factors are at work here: developmental stage, obsessions, grief, loneliness, physical and emotional child abuse and social network, among others. These I will address briefly.

Developmental Stage

You are in the early adulthood stage of your development, so you should be focusing on establishing intimacy (sharing your life with and making a commitment to a partner). This will help to give meaning and purpose to your life, otherwise you will continue to feel lonely and unhappy.

Obsessions

Obsessions are persistent, recurring thoughts that invade one’s conscious mind involuntarily. According to psychologists, these thoughts are the result of unconscious fears or unacceptable wishes on which the individual has not acted.

Grief occurs when a person becomes sad, lonely, and numb, due to the loss of a loved one. You lost your mother in recent years and although she did not treat you very well, there is no doubt that you loved her, and that you miss her. 

Isolation & Loneliness

Loneliness refers to the thoughts and feelings we experience when we do not have the close relationship(s) we desire. You are alone most of the time, even when you are at work. You are therefore in need of friendship.

Physical abuse involves physical aggression directed at a child by an adult (e.g. beatings). Emotional abuse occurs when a child is deprived of emotional warmth and understanding which affects his or her emotional adjustment, due to the behaviour of caregivers, (e.g. harsh and excessive criticisms) which results in long-term negative effects such as learned helplessness.

Social support is the close positive relationship we have with others (eg. family and friends) which is a buffer or antidote for stress, loneliness and depression. People with close, supportive relationships tend to be happy, hardy, optimistic, and healthy. 

Thought Stopping Technique

Whenever a negative thought comes to mind (e.g. you will be sick), say “STOP!” to the thought, and then say something opposite to the thought that is positive, e.g. “I am healthy!”

Seek Counselling

Obsessions (negative recurring thoughts) are an indication that you have a lot of repressed emotions (feelings that you have buried very deep inside). It is therefore very important for you to speak to a trained counsellor who can help you to sort out these feelings.

Build a Support Network

As a young adult, you should be seeking to establish a family unit of your own, as well as developing a friendship network. Therefore, you should get to know other young people – both males and females. Go to places where young people frequent, e.g. church, sporting activities, the gym, youth groups etc. Be friendly and seek to make friends, while doing so cautiously.

Yes, you have had a difficult past, but your past is over now. It is time for you to live in the present, otherwise you will be a prisoner of your past and will make no progress in life. So, release the past by forgiving your mother, yourself and life.

Grieve the loss of your mother in a positive way; honour her memory by focusing on the good things about her and by forgiving her. You may consider joining a grief group where you can share with individuals, as well as give and gain support from others with a similar experience.

Pets such as dogs and cats make wonderful companions, since they are living creatures in which we can invest our time, energy, and affection, and they are able to return our affection to some degree. You may also consider caring for plants which will also boost your self-esteem and help to add meaning to your life.

Maybe you could find ways to trace your family history and connect with (visit, call, email, or Skype) extended family members that you have not spoken to for years, or have never met. Also consider inviting a neighbour or co-worker out (or over for dinner).

HV, here is hoping that things will turn around for you soon.

Life Coach