My husband is slipping away

Dear Life Coach,

I do not understand what has happened to my 55-year-old husband. Two and a half years ago, he stopped working for no apparent reason; one morning he got up and said he was not going back to work, and he has not been back since. He was a farmer and for the 25 years that I had been with him up to that point, he had never missed work in the hills, planting crops and selling on Saturdays by the roadside. Now, he sits around the house and stares into space.{{more}} He claims that that there is no point in doing anything, and no point to life. When I try to reason with him he barely says anything. He does not smoke or drink, so I am not sure what is wrong, but nothing seems to excite him anymore. I am so concerned about him. It is as if my husband is slipping away and I am feeling more and more distanced from him every day.

Distanced Wife (DW)

Dear DW,

Thanks for your email. I am sorry to learn that your husband has lost the joy of living.

Your Situation:

Several factors may be at work here: Dysthymia, Alzheimer’s, chemical imbalance, midlife/existential crisis, stress/burnout, learned helplessness, among others. I will address these briefly.

Dysthymia

Dysthymia is a chronic low grade depressed mood that occurs for most of the day, more days than not, for at least 2 years, along with two others symptoms which, in his case, includes hopelessness and low energy. In addition there is a loss of interest and pleasure in things that once were.

Alzheimer’s

Alzheimer’s disease is one of the most common cognitive disorders that may inflict adults. It may begin during middle-age (early onset: age 40 – 60) and symptoms include depression, memory problems, and anxiety.

Chemical Imbalance

Disturbances in certain neurotransmitters (chemicals in the brain), as well as hormones (chemicals in the body that regulate the functioning of some organs) are linked to depression.

Midlife/Existential Crisis

Your husband is in the middle adulthood stage of his development. For many individuals, midlife is a time of evaluation, assessment, and reflections in term of the work they do, and what they want to do in the future. During this phase individuals also examine the finiteness of their existence and the fact that death is certain. Some theorists believe that the meaningfulness of life may be understood by 4 needs as follows: the need for purpose, values, efficacy, and self-worth.

Stress/Burnout

Work, bereavement, poverty, powerlessness and a low status are some of the factors that can create stress in our lives. Farming is a stressful occupation which can also cause burnout, since it involves manual labour, heat of the sun, waiting for crops to mature and ripen, and waiting for customers to buy one’s produce. Furthermore, your husband did not take a vacation for 25 years, which could lead to burnout. It is also possible that your husband may have experienced other changes in his life (which you have not mentioned) that serve as a source of stress, e.g. death of a loved one, children leaving home, illness etc.

Learned Helplessness

People become depressed when they think that: 1. they no longer have control over the reinforcements (rewards and punishments) in their lives 2. they themselves are responsible for this helpless state. It is possible that your husband’s profession was not rewarding enough, both financially and otherwise.

What to Do

Psychological Evaluation

Encourage your husband to have a psychological evaluation (locally/overseas) to rule out the presence of a depressive disorder or a cognitive disorder, both of which may be treated with medication and therapy.

Medical Evaluation

Encourage your husband to have a medical evaluation to determine whether a chemical imbalance triggered his depressed mood.

Spiritual Meaning to Life

Individuals who are religious tend to have a more positive outlook on life and see life as more meaningful. This is important in midlife and as we age, since each person must figure out the meaning and purpose to his/her life. If your husband is not a part of a religious or Christian community, now may be a good time to seek spiritual re-birth, and nurture the spiritual man.

Reduce Stress/Burnout

Although stress/burnout could play a role in your husband’s condition, the fact that it has been prolonged for over two years suggests that there is more going on. To reduce stress, the following should prove to be helpful: 1. Exercise – encourage your husband to take walks/exercise. Exercise stimulates the body to produce hormones that help us to feel good. 2. Ventilate – encourage him to talk about his problems instead of bottling things up inside. 3. Socialize – encourage him to attend social events and interact with other people or invite friends/relatives over. Interacting with others increases our mental health.

New Endeavours

Your husband has been a farmer for most, if not all, of his working life. He may have become burnt out and exhausted from doing the same thing with very little reward for years. Many individuals change their career paths during midlife or find organizations or charities to which they can volunteer or contribute. Encourage your husband to volunteer for, or find work with other agencies or enterprises that are of interest to him.

DW, it is my hope that your husband’s zest to life will be restored.

Life Coach

DYNACII

Need help with relationship and other problems? Ask DYNACII’s Life Coach. Email your questions to dynacii@gmail.com. To Chat with the Life Coach, visit: http://www.dynacinternational.com. Dynamic Action Center International Inc. (DYNACII) a non-governmental organization committed to social and spiritual empowerment.