Meet Doctor Ras-Guana-Gouti-Dread-Liveth

Most ah de mornings after ah finish walking, ah would stop by foh ah coconut drinky at Ras Nutty, de coconut vendor next to Caribbean Tyres at Arnos Vale.

Since dey been putting so much ah ting bout Coconut pon de Internet, how it it good foh everyting, how it suppose to have in Milk, Juice, Meat and Oil, ah making sure ah drinking one wid de jelly everyday to keep de Doctor away. Ah would sit in de jeep, sip me drinky and listen to Ras Nutty outline all de med-he-seen-all properties dat dey in de Coconut. But Whens-dey morning ah notice dat Ras Nutty had a guest, ah strange Rastaman and dey were reasoning over ah bag ah stuff. Ah got worried foh Ras Nutty, because his Rasta buddy was loud like he ain’t fraid Babylon, like he had nothing to hide.{{more}} De first ting dat came to my mind was dat Ras Nutty wa getting ah supply ah de Weed, but ah couldn’t imagine he would ah bin so bold to dwell in de public like dat. My curiosity guage hit zenith when ah saw Ras Nutty’s guest holding ah piece ah tree bark in his hand, telling Ras: “Yuh see dis, yuh call dis Zebra Peak, is de best ting out, soak it in water, den strain it and drink ah glass fuss ting every morning. “Immediately Ras Nutty asked him: “Way dat good fah?” By dat time ah small crowd started to build up. “Way dis good fah?” De Rastaman replied; “Everyting, dis is ah cleanser, good foh Pressure, Sugar, skin disease, Infection, Kidney, Prostate, and when yuh woman have ah baby and she having after birth pains, dis good foh she.” Well from de time he said Prostate, ah jumped out de jeep and got closer. Like he didn’t even notice ah was in de jeep, he shifted his attention towards me, he looked ah bit scared, like he was trying to figure out if ah was ah Drug Squad in plain clothes. But Ras Nutty put him at ease and said: “Dah’s Bassy, he cool man.” Den he regained his composure wid more con-fee-dense, turned again towards me and said: “Dey call I and I Ras Guana-Gouti-Dread-Liveth, de baddest Erbs man in de Land, I train under two African Erbalist, Doctor Blue-to-Hoo and Doctor Put-to-Right.” Ras Nutty interrupted him and said: “Boy careful way yuh say yuh know, dah man does write ting ah papers, he go write yuh up.” He looked at me ah-gain and said: “Oh yes, ah was watching de bredrin and ah say de face look familiar, SEARCHLIGHT, de Love Vine?” He was boasting all de way thru now, hear him: “Is I-man who stop all dem Rum-drinkers ah Leeward from shaking,” holding-up ah piece ah tree bark in de air, he continued: “and dis is de Erb ah give dem to drunk!” By den he had emptied all ah all his Erbs on de table: Tree bark, roots, branches Erbs like bush! Ah found de guy too interesting not to hear more of him, and he was more dan willing to fill me in.

“I-man from Troumaca, I-man original name is Douglas Codogan better known as Ras Guana ….” he boasted. He looked at me den looked at de heap ah Erbs on de table and said: “ Bossman, I and I got herbs dat could cure any disease yuh have, ah even ha ting dah could raise de devel in hell.” He held up ah piece ah bark and said: “ Dis is Pigeon Wood, dis good foh cleansing, also to induce pregnancy” ah believe he meant ‘induce labour’, because he also said it was good foh abortion.

He showed us a root dat looked like wild yam and said: “Ground Power, dis good foh cleansing and strengthening de nerves and give yuh nature”. He held-up another ah his product, ah bunch ah roots: “Sasparilla, good foh clesnisng too and foh fibroids.” One ah de older ladies took up ah piece ah bark and said: “How dis yah smell like ah Sorf Grease so.” Ras Guana smiled like when yuh score points, hear him again: “Granny, dis better dan Sorf Grease, dis is de real ting.” He picked up another piece ah bark and invited de crowd to “smell dis!” And like ah chorus we all said: “Incense!” Another big smile from Ras Guana. “Yes yuh bun dis all night and it keep way de mosquitoes.” Ah asked him foh ah photo, straight away he knew he was about to mek headlines: “Any time yuh ready, yuh go ahead” he said. Den he handed me ah bunch and Sasparilla Root and said : “Boil dis, dis is Sasparoiilla Root, good foh cleansing and foh strengthening too.” He like he was looking foh something special to show me: “Wait, don’t go yet, yuh see dis (ah piece ah root Erb) yuh call dis Chillum, use it wid coconut oil; it good foh joint pains. And yuh remember how long ago dey uses to tie ah black chord around de babies to keep way Jumbie, well dis good foh dat.” He realized by den he had everybody hooked on his products, as ah matter of fact he got ah good sale, so he creamed it off by holding de same piece ah Chillum Bark and said: “Hear nah, if anybody thief anything from yuh, and yuh want to do foh him; yuh hold ah piece ah dis in yuh hand ah face de North and say four Psalms, turn South and say three Psalms; turn East say two Psalms and West One Psalms, do dat foh nine days and after dat is gone he gone. Ah realize dey and den it was my time to say ah gone too. And wid dat is gone ah gone again.

One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.