My white mother-in-law openly says hateful things about me
Hey Rosie,
I do not get along with my mother-in-law. She is white and I am black. She is the only one who openly says hateful things about my background (being West Indian), my hair, my shape and the list goes on. My husband has tried to defend me and so has his father, but she is so hateful, itâs unbelievable. Many people (mutual friends and even family) thought I was making this up until they saw it for themselves and they were shocked!
Rosie, now her son and our two children have limited interaction with her and we are going so far as to move away completely. My husband has accepted a position overseas… she doesnât know yet. Strangely, she loves the kids and that confuses me as well. I really would like to let her know how much she has hurt me, but I donât know how. Once we leave, we are not looking back; too much hurt. Do you have any suggestions?
Hurt
Dear Hurt,
What a horrible predicament to find yourself in! You would think that at this time in the world we wouldnât have this major issue of race and hatred. But sadly we do.
Sheâs an idiot! I couldnât come up with another descriptive word, so there it is. She has such a narrow and toxic view of what makes you uniquely you she canât even contain it. But guess what? It is her loss and she should almost be pitied because of her sheer ignorance and small-minded viewpoints.
The fact that she doesnât have a great relationship with her son as well is such a sad statement how hate can overshadow love. Like you, I canât explain her connection to the grandchildren, but it would seem as though your mother-in-law is a layered and complicated woman.
What came to mind is very simple; you can write her a letter. Go into detail about how much she has offended you and made you feel very hurt and segregated within her presence. After going into detail, I would then end it with three simple words: âI forgive you.â This is HUGE, but very necessary for you to heal and move on. Now you can decide after this big step to 1. Burn the letter. 2. Keep the letter or 3. Mail it to her. Your choice, but I think it will help take this burden off your chest and put her to bed. You have to be a stronger person for your family, stepping above and leading your family by a positive example.
Good luck to you and your family. She needs forgiveness â it is the gift you give yourself.
Rosie
Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or PO Box 152, Kingstown,St Vincent & the Grenadines.
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