Hey Rosie,

I am a 24-year-old girl in a relationship with a 28-year-old guy. We were co-workers, then became great friends, got to know each other pretty well and eventually started dating a year ago. He told me that he loved me and said he wanted to marry me within two months into the relationship. That’s a very rare thing for him to say; I know it. He had never asked a girl to marry him before this.{{more}}

About nine months back, I quit my job and moved back to my hometown, away from him. We had some issues on the marriage front which were very restrictive and complicated, so we broke up on a very hurtful and sad note. We lost touch for nearly two months, but I felt so miserable and lonely without him that I decided to mend things and we spoke and settled the matter between us. We even got our families introduced and took our marriage plans to a whole new level of seriousness.

In those two months, I had an idea that he was flirting around with some French trainee who was working in his office. After patching up, he reassured me that there was nothing on with this girl and that she was just a friend who liked him and nothing more. I believed him, though my instincts warned me not to.

Anyway, that girl finally left for France and shortly afterwards, I visited my boyfriend. That was almost three months ago. I snooped through his iPad, only to find explicit messages and photos there. Those were very recent ones and clearly I could see how regular and frequent was their contact; he continued his affair with this girl even after getting back with me. I was shattered obviously, because, like an idiot, I was dreaming of marrying him. And even worse, my family was now involved. He cried and apologized, saying he didn’t know how to pull out of that affair without hurting the girl because our patch-up was so sudden and he was far ahead in his casual affair with that girl, so he continued because she was supposed to leave for France in any case. He didn’t want to upset either one of us. He kept his contact with the girl after she left because he wanted things to die naturally and slowly with her, not abruptly. He never thought that I would find out. I could see on his face that he was genuinely sorry and didn’t want to lose me at any cost. I know people can land up in such situations and I understand the complexities involved, so I forgave him.

Now the problem is that I saw some old and casual pictures of that girl again on his iPad when we met three days ago. There was nothing explicit in there. But I’m angry because I had asked him to delete all her pictures and he had confirmed the same. He deleted only the explicit ones and let the casual ones remain there. There were just so many of them. I know he is not in touch with that girl anymore, because that girl is so furious with him that she will never talk to him (I emailed and informed that girl of this two-timing episode, and later, all three of us had a video conference to clear all confusion).

He says that he had deleted all the pictures and that they may have come back on his iPad through Memory Management Feature that pulls pictures automatically stored on Cloud. He was over at my home to further discuss about our marriage with me and my family when this episode happened. I’d like to believe that it was just an unfortunate accident, but I’m so mad at him. I think he is lying that he deleted all photos, or else why would Cloud only pull out all casual photos and not the other ones.

I have not been talking to him for the last two days. Ever since I have found out about his affair three months ago, I have been having bad dreams, wherein either he is cheating on me or I am cheating on him. I get sensitive after watching TV shows or movies which involve even minor scenes or side stories about cheating. Frankly, I have considered even paying him back for this and I know I easily can. But then I don’t want to stoop down to that level. On one hand, we are hoping to marry each other and on the other hand, I have trust issues. I love this man very much and we are perfect for each other in every other sense, but I don’t know how to deal with this nonsense. Please suggest what I do next.

Al

Dear AI,

This is definitely quite a saga! However, all through your letter there is one thing that you seem not to be trusting and that’s your instincts. That “inner voice” is never wrong.

Of course, you have major trust issues. This relationship has had its fair share of betrayal and lies. It is not for me to tell you what to do, but I think you should put these wedding plans on pause.

You are both going to have to sit down with a neutral third party and hash out how you feel about the status of this relationship. There’s a lot of hurt, trust issues and also the need to control the uncontrollable. Remember you can check his iPad, email his ex, check his pockets etc. If a person wants to cheat they WILL find a way.

It’s better to get the intensive pre-marital counselling now and put this marriage on hold, rather than go ahead, get married and things get much worse because you love him. Most times love is not enough. I know your families maybe a bit upset, but it’s better to face your issues now rather than later when it’s much more complicated.

I wish your strength,

Rosie