Hey Rosie!
October 11, 2013

My wife is boring and I have nothing in common with her

Hi Rosie,

I need some advice, if you can help me.

I am white, my wife is Pakistani. I am 35, my wife is 30. We met on a website and six months later, I met her and the family for the first time. After seeing her, I was not really that keen to marry her, as she is not my type personality-wise. The mother and aunties who live in the house (her father is dead) say to me that they want me to marry their daughter. I say I don’t want to, but I’m happy to live in the house. They agree to this. After two months of living there, the daughter and I start having sex there in the house, and the mother knew we were having sex.{{more}}
Then, the family saw we must get married, and they started planning a wedding to take place in two months time, without my agreement. I told them that I didn’t want to get married and we should wait until either my business picks up, or I get a well paid job. However, deep down, I didn’t want to get married. I did say this, but they were not taking no for an answer. Finally on the evening before the wedding, I told my so- called fiancée, that I was leaving and not marrying her. On the morning of the wedding, I left the house.

After two months had passed, I got in contact with her and I began to feel guilty for taking her virginity, because she said no man will have her if she is not a virgin. I thought that what I had done was not very nice. I bought her an expensive gift, went to meet her and apologized for leaving her the way I did. She forgave me and I went to see her a few more times. We had personality clashes many times, concerning faith (I am Seventh Day Adventist, she is Pentecostal Christian. We worship Saturdays, they worship Sundays). So, I said if we get married you will have to choose my religion. On this basis, I agreed to marry her, even though I was only doing it to “do the right thing”. The family was pleased and we got married within a week. The months after this have been some of the worst months of my life. As well as that, I feel that I don’t have anything in common with her.
We don’t share any topics of interest to talk about, except practical things like what to buy for the house etc. The minute I speak about something which is of high interest to me, such as end time prophecy or comparative religious study, she gets bored and literally falls asleep. Even if we watch a Christian DVD, she will get bored. She’s only interested in watching Indian music channels and gossip programmes. We don’t even share the same sense of humour. With other girls, I make them laugh so much, but I can’t make my wife laugh that much. She does laugh sometimes, but it’s not a hearty, joyful laugh. Even she doesn’t really make me laugh that much, and it’s so boring for me. There are good things about her; she can be sweet, but I don’t feel it’s enough.

I struggle spiritually to connect with her. I struggle with sharing her humour, I don’t feel connected to her at all. We don’t have any similar interests that we can share together and there are too many other things I’m not happy with. It’s not that I’m trying to look on the dark side, it’s just that I’m being honest about how I feel. For me, all these things are connected to my desire for her, which is almost zero.

One of the most annoying things about her is that if I need to speak with her, her phone just keeps on ringing and ringing. I have had to give her like 15 missed calls at times. I spoke to her old boss once, and before I said anything, he said to me she had an attitude problem and that she wouldn’t answer the phone on time.

She hates Indians. She is rude to my Indian friends, even at our wedding. If I buy Indian food from a reputable South Asian take- away, she will not eat it saying it’s “dirty” food. I really dislike this about her, as I find it insulting and hurtful.

None of the family have visas to stay in the UK and they mentioned this to me.

I know there are two sides to the story, but I’ve been as honest as I can and if you want to know any more, just ask.

I’m considering divorce, as I just can’t take her anymore. Any advice? What are your thoughts? Be open with me.

Unhappy Husband

Hello Unhappy Husband,

Now this is a saga of two worlds and when we look at how it unfolded you can see why you both are in this unfortunate situation. Let me very clear, I am not saying that two people from different walks of life can’t make a successful union, but there were some glaring RED FLAGS that were ignored and not addressed.

I can see that you seem to be a very spiritual person who tries to elevate yourself by reading and connecting to others spiritually. But on the other hand, her interest seems to be very different and this causes a discord when trying to create that base for a marriage — but I’ve jumped ahead, let’s talk about where you went wrong.

You should not have stayed at their house knowing that they wanted you to marry their daughter. You said it up front that she wasn’t your type, but yet you compromised and went to live there and this then led to you both having sex. This was bound to happen and of course this sealed your fate as well. Never compromise who you are for anyone, you then would be living a lie. Truthfully when you said, “No” on the day of the wedding, that was actually (in a twisted way) the most honorable thing that you did in this relationship. But, alas, you felt guilty and came back and to the same situation that you had turned your back on. I understand that you were doing the honorable thing by marrying her because you took her virginity but there was not mention of some intense counseling to try to come to a place of respect and understanding for your vast differences.

Look, you are married now and it is a difficult adjustment which I feel for both of you. But you BOTH need to sit down and discuss if you want this union to have a prayer of working or just to cut the ties now before children come into the mix. You both (only you two, no other outside influences) need to sit down and decide if this is something that you want. If it is yes, please come to a mutual agreement of a mediator or counselor to assist you with your marriage. Believe it or not, I do think there is a chance that you can make it, but it would require a lot of dedication, respect and hard work to achieve a solid foundation to grow from. Now if you both are honest and you don’t think that this is worth your time, don’t let anyone influence you decision; this is your lives and no one else’s. So sit down and take your time as you both approach this pivotal cross road, do what your spirit tells you is best for you.

I only wish you both much peace and success in your lives going forward.


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