Hey Rosie!
May 6, 2011
Failing relationship

Dear Rosie

I have been married for over 10 years. We have three beautiful children. During my last pregnancy, four years ago, I found out that my husband had a two year relationship with another woman. I was distraught to the point of being suicidal. Life was hopeless for me.{{more}} However, with the Grace of God, my friend and the well being of my children, I managed to cope with this challenge and I bounced back. My feelings for him have diminished significantly, I no longer trust him, and I can not bring myself to show any kind affection to him. We still do get intimate but just to satisfy our desires.There is no romance between us. I usually find myself craving the love of other men. Would I have a relationship with them? The possibility exists, but I often think of the consequences. I know that I have a great aspiration to be loved, to have that warm feeling inside that which I am not getting from my husband.

We hardly have a social life, and we do go out, maybe once a year, and I feel uncomfortable and out of place. I know that he has had other relationships, which he denied, with other persons after that last one. This knowledge does not affect me as much because that care for him is long gone. However, I am scared for my health and my children’s future. Sometimes I console myself by stating he’s an intelligent person, he will protect himself, but education is not sense.

One day I asked him to what extent he loves me? He said after marrying for so long the love we now share is more like siblings. What a shocker! Now it seems like I am sleeping with my brother. This has put a nail in the coffin. Now I feel I need to get out of this relationship. It’s killing me emotionally, socially, and I know eventually physically. I am in my late 30s and I am worrying if there is still hope for me to have a happy and meaningful relationship with someone else. I am embarrassed to talk to anyone about the status of this relationship, so I have turned to you for your guidance.

Desire to be loved

Dear Desire to be loved,

I really do feel your pain! However, I am so happy that you reached out because in seeking some advice for yourself, you would possibly help many others in the same position.

Let me put your mind at ease regarding marriage, relationships and betrayal; it’s unfortunately more common than most people would like to admit. The trick to getting past this life altering experience is how you look at life itself. You mentioned God, that’s a great start, a perfect foundation to start re-building your future. Now the bigger problem here is: do you want to be in a marriage with a man who sees you like a sibling? The tone of your letter really says “No” to me. You’ve been hurt, betrayed and disrespected by your husband. I’m proud of your resolve to survive this and now you must decide where you go from here.

Don’t make excuses about your age, your children or what your idea is for a meaningful relationship. Scratch all that! I want you to set your goals for yourself (realistic ones) and how you are going to go about achieving them. Make sure you ask yourself the really hard and painful questions (hard to do but necessary, you WILL be stronger for it).Finally, when you know in your heart that you are good regarding your decision, your heart literally feels lighter. Please forge forward with your plan.

Once you ask God to guide you, you’ve made a plan. Please listen to the voice (God) and follow through with it. There should be no embarrassment, feelings of inadequacy, anger or worry. In fact, new doors fly and tend to open for us when we lay our burdens down and retreat. You are worth everything and much more. Do not settle and also do not be afraid to face your struggles head on. These struggles are the very things that shape us into stronger people. I am not here to judge your husband or your marriage. I am only here to maybe give you some insight about the many other avenues ahead of you and how you can still continue to be a successful woman, mother, friend and possible partner going forward.

All the best, and keep the faith. You are much stronger than you realize.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152,

Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.