We have often heard the term Narcissist being purported to describe someone who seems excessively vain or full of themselves. But in psychological terms, narcissism doesn’t mean self-love—at least not in a genuine sense. It’s more accurate to say that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. And they’re in love with this inflated self-image precisely because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity. But propping up their delusions of grandeur takes a lot of work—and that’s where the dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours come in.

The concept of narcissism came from the story of a man called Narcissus. According to Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae in Boeotia who was known for his beauty. The mythology had it that he rejected all romantic advances and as a result, it was felt that the ‘gods’ sentenced Narcissus to a life without human love. He fell in love with his own reflection in a pool of water and died hungering for its response.

Like Narcissus, narcissists only love themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. It’s a common misconception that they love themselves. They may dislike themselves immensely. Their inflated self-flattery, perfectionism, and arrogance are merely covers for the self-loathing they don’t admit — usually even to themselves. Instead, it’s projected outward in their disdain for and criticism of others. They’re too afraid to look at themselves because they believe the truth would be devastating. Emotionally, they may be dead inside, and craving to be filled and validated by others. Sadly, they’re unable to appreciate the love they do get, and they alienate those who give it.

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

There is no single known cause of NPD. Genetics likely plays a role, but it’s also believed that early life experiences are a contributing factor. For instance, children who experience abuse, neglect or trauma might be at risk. Having a narcissistic or overly critical parent may likewise be a risk factor. Whatever the cause, these children become adults with a fragile sense of self and a strong need for external approval. Many narcissists also have extremely low self-esteem. These traits cause them to exaggerate their skills or achievements. And they constantly seek attention and approval from others. This is a key factor in understanding the narcissists in your life. Their behaviour is arrogant and self-absorbed but stems from deep-seated feelings of inferiority.

The Diagnosis

When we think of narcissists, we usually picture someone with an inflated ego — someone bossy and arrogant, who must be right. To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the person must exhibit grandiosity (if only in fantasy) and lack of empathy, as exhibited by at least five of the following traits:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.

2. Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Unreasonably expects special, favourable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes.

6. Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends.

7. Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

8. Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her.

9. Has arrogant behaviours or attitudes.

Although there are clinical criteria that need to be met for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect you might be dealing with a narcissist.

Being aware of these traits can help to empower you, helping you to recognize and better navigate potentially unhealthy interactions.

Next week, we will discuss some of the traits you should be aware of.