Dear Pastor

I am a parent of two teenaged children, one girl and boy…. Their father and I were together since I was a teenager and they grew up having a very close relationship with their father. Our relationship was one with its ups and downs, there were times when he was unfaithful but through it all I persevered and I never had another lover besides him in my life.

As I grew older and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior I realized that I needed to live a life that the children could emulate so that when I spoke to them about standards, honesty and living upright it was indeed by actions as well as words. {{more}}

Pastor, within recent years this guy who is just in the habit of having two and three women has practically abandoned his children, sometimes they do not see him for days and there is little communication between them. This situation seems to be affecting them, if he comes and knocks at the door each of them will go to their room and one will call the other and say, “Your daddy is knocking at the door; open for him.”

The girl acts up at times and I have to constantly speak to her; at least she expresses her feelings so I am able to deal with her but the boy does not speak much and this is creating problems at school. He is now seen as a troublemaker, ever so often I am called to the school to deal with some incident or the other.

Pastor, how should I deal with this situation? I will not give up on him and I know with God’s help I can make it. I have been pondering on Psalm 139 for a few days. I don’t know why.

Worried Sister.

Dear Worried Sister,

Psalms 139 is a very powerful psalm indeed and should be a source of comfort for you in the midst of a trying situation.

In verses one to six the psalmists expresses the fact that the Lord knows his heart and all things concerning him. Hear verse 2: “You know my sitting down and my rising up; you understand my thoughts afar off.” So you need to firstly remember that the God you are serving has seen your faithfulness to God and your children. He has seen your efforts to raise them up in the fear of Him. He also sees and knows the fear you are having concerning the behavior of your son. Verses five and six are powerful verses because you are reminded that hedges of protection and comfort are placed around you. No matter how bad things look you are to remember that your God’s presence is with you working all things out “for good”.

From verses 7-18 the palmist marvels at the complete knowledge and authority of God. “I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Oh what an expression of assurance in verse fourteen!

The first thing you need to know is that you cannot make a father care about his children but can only do your best to make sure that their needs are met, not just financially but spiritually, emotionally and otherwise. There is no secret to the fact that a father’s love cannot be replaced but this same God who made you will miraculously enable you; he has done so to many single mothers over the years. As for your son I know you think that he is not expressing his feelings like your daughter but he is in fact expressing himself very forcefully …saying, “I need my father’s attention!!!”

You will have to continue to build a close rapport with him and try to get him to see that adversity can either make you or break you. Sometimes we let what we have been through lead us into negative expressions which only further hurt us in the long run. But if we can find the strength we can convert our disappointments and hurts into fuel for success, let our pain motivate us to success. It is easier said than done and he may need a big brother or a father figure within the church to help him through. Is there a responsible adult male that he is close too? What about your pastor? Have you tried letting him speak to him? Also it is important that you have a heart to heart with his teachers, not to excuse his behavior but it can help them have a heads up on what he is dealing with. Your son doesn’t need to see or know that you have spoken to them but it will help them be better equipped to deal with him.

My dear, please continue to press on and don’t give up; I also make myself available to chat with your son whenever I am on the mainland; we can’t afford to lose the life and heart of another young man in our society.

Pastor Jackson

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