Dear Pastor
April 15, 2005

Boyfriend jealous of my friendship with ex

Dear Pastor Jackson,

I have problem that I am dealing with and I really would like to get your advice on the matter.

Pastor, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend over a year ago. We were together for about four years but things just were not going well. We always argued and eventually broke up. One day we will be good, then we will break up for a month then get back together. I got fed up of that up and down and finally finished it all together. {{more}}

About six months ago, I met someone else and we started dating. Since then my ex and I have began to talk and be more civil with each other. Nothing is going on between us because that part of my life is over. The problem is that my new friend cannot deal with the fact that my ex-boyfriend and I are friends.

Every minute he keeps questioning me about when I saw my ex-boyfriend and what we spoke about. It is real provoking. If we are only together six months, haven’t even got real serious yet and he is already pulling that jealousy thing, I do not think I could be with him. I do not want the drama.

I mean things are cool with us, he treats me good and everything like that, but I cannot be with someone that doesn’t trust me.

What do you think I should do? I am thinking about cutting the relationship all together.

Need Advice

Hello Friend,

I think you may be overreacting a bit and being somewhat hasty with talk of cutting the relationship short. As you yourself said, you guys have only been dating for about six months, so trust is still being built up. In the process of building this relationship, he has to deal with an ex-boyfriend who, based on what he said, did not necessarily shake hands on the idea of breaking up; and could still be harboring thoughts of being with you. Your ex-boyfriend could also be using this “friendship” to upset your new love interest.

Trust me, that is not a far-fetched supposition.

As for your new guy, he may really be over reacting but it is up to you to reassure him of the finality of your past relationship and build your connection together.

Think about it, you came out of a bad relationship and are in a potentially fulfilling one. I do not think you want to hastily end this to accommodate a friendship with an ex-boyfriend who blew his chance of being with you.

It may sound harsh, but I am a bit weary of these “lets be friends” lines after relationships have ended, especially when one party did not want to break up. Often it is a ploy to maintain access for a possible return with “a foot in the door”.

Having said that though, if your new friend’s objection is angry and scary to you, then it could be a sign you need to look at before going any deeper into that relationship.

Pastor Jackson