Dear Pastor
January 28, 2005
Sexual desires ruining our friendship

Dear Pastor Jackson,

I have a problem that I would really like to share with you and get your advice on how I should handle it. I usually read your articles and like the down-to-earth way you deal with situations.

A friend and I recently did something very foolish. We have been friends for a long time but never had anything romantic. A few weeks ago a conversation came up and we were talking about things like how it would be to kiss each other and things like that. I really did not take it as anything because we’re both in relationships. So in my mind it was just two friends being honest about a crush we may have on each other but nothing more. {{more}}

A few days after that conversation she found out that her boyfriend had been cheating on her and to cut a long story short she left him. One evening she came by my home and we spoke about it and then one thing led to another and we ended up kissing and making love (but not having sex).

Now we cannot look at each other in the eye and I desire her so much. She and I are texting each other, talking about how it would be to go all the way and I am really worried.

I know it might sound strange as a man but I don’t want to mess up our friendship or my relationship with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend knows what happened because she saw a hickey on my chest so I told her everything. She is upset but we will be all right once nothing like that ever happens again. How should I handle it? I really need your advice.

Need Help

Hi Need Help,

You and your friend were caught in a classic case of rebound love. Yes you guys might have admitted your feelings of attraction for each other but it was the break-up with her boyfriend that created the right atmosphere for that foolish expression. Now as for dealing with it, remember it for what it was – a foolish mistake brought on by curiosity and a heartbreak (in your friend’s case). Also there is a crazy statement that is often used that suggests that words are not powerful … I think one rhyme says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” That is CRAZINESS!! The things you and your friend discussed sowed seeds of lust and desire and as I said earlier her break-up watered this germinating seed of lust. So now you have to kill it… Stop feeding the desires. It is not going to go away overnight but you must make the necessary steps; stop talking about it for one! And if you ever talk about it, remember the hurt you caused your girlfriend and the strain you brought on your friendship with your friend. In the end, though, it is going to be a call of character and wisdom that will make things all right.

Character is needed to resist that temptation as you would any other that threatens your relationship and the wisdom to know that you can’t be around your friend as you used to, at least for now, until normalcy is resumed in your friendship and this lustful sexual pull is under control or killed.