Dear Pastor
July 9, 2004
Man treating wife bad

Dear Pastor,

There is this situation that is really disgusting me.
I have a friend who is married but doesn’t act like it. He lives by himself and his wife is living with her parents; she comes and goes at his request. He is very popular – he recently got some money and is using this against his wife. {{more}}
His wife is a beautiful, intelligent, quiet, loving person and I think he’s taking advantage of that. He’s going around telling lies on that young lady – that she’s cheating on him and a lot of other things that a husband shouldn’t be saying about his wife, truth or not. He will insult and disrespect her in public and make people look at her as a bad person. I see now that he is the one at fault. He has a lot of women and takes them out and gives them whatever they want. He does quite the opposite with his wife – he spends no time with her, doesn’t take her out, even physically and verbally abuses her. He calls her whore and bitch even in public and tells her she cannot step into the shoes of the women he’s with. She was the one who used to support both of them. Now she’s unemployed and he has money, but he doesn’t even support her; he says she’s not going to use him.
I am totally disgusted with the way he treats his wife and you can see how much she loves him. A lot of people are talking because they are finally seeing that he’s the one at fault and he’s good at lying. I know she can do a lot better than him and he should realize that she’s someone’s daughter and MORTAL just like him. If he doesn’t love her and wants to live a single life again, he has the money to give her a divorce so she can get on with her life. He’s my friend but I don’t like the way he treats his wife and he doesn’t listen to anything anybody tells him.

Totally Disgusted

Dear Totally Disgusted,

It is a well-noted fact that many people change when they come into some wealth, but honestly it is a brainteaser to imagine a person turning dramatically into the “beast” that your letter has described.
It is either you are committing a huge crime of exaggeration or inaccurate story telling (in the description of your friend’s wife), or it could be that this man was always this way and his wife ignored obvious signs of his abuse and disrespect with the hope of change. You see, I do hope it is one of the above scenarios because if this man has turned on his wife in this manner and treats her like a dog as you described, it isn’t just sad but rather another body blow to MEN. I hear the stories, I see the abuses take place under various situations and I can’t help but wonder if the hearts of these men have been removed. Then I remind myself of the desperate wickedness that is in mankind’s heart and the noted “last days” in which we live.
Unfaithfulness in marriage is and always will be wrong, that is clear. However, even the many warnings in scripture indicate that our heavenly father knew that we were likely as mankind (especially men) to struggle with our sexual discipline, hence the cautions (just read Proverbs). But to embarrass, abuse and destroy a woman on top of that is not just wrong or sinful but downright evil … God help that man.
You said that your friend doesn’t listen to anybody; I wonder if his friends are speaking loud enough to him. Someone like that should be challenged constantly. As his friends, you and others must never make him feel comfortable with his behaviour. He should always be made to see that he is a disgrace to his manhood on account of his abuse, no matter how much money he has.
Friend, I DO NOT support divorce in principle; I still hold to the permanent nature of marriage, but at the very least that woman needs a job and possibly a place of refuge. She desperately needs good friends to remind her of her worth. As for her husband, I agree he needs to change. His mother, sister, father, brother, priest, pastor … someone must have some sort of influence over him to get him to check himself … or just let the poor woman go!
On a final note, though I do hope your letter accurately describes the situation you are writing me about. You see although these persons’ identities are not disclosed it will be sad to see such a picture painted of a man … if it isn’t accurate.