Dear Pastor
June 4, 2004
Should I get out of this mess?

Dear Pastor,

For the past couple of months I have found myself involved with a sailor man’s girl.
At first, I didn’t know that she had someone, and now that she has told me I just can’t seem to forget her. I think I love her but I think the feelings she has for me are based on her loneliness because her boyfriend is away sailing. {{more}}
Even though I love her, I don’t want to be the reason why she and her boyfriend split. He is not a bad person and he treats her good from what she tells me.
Things are, however, not the way they used to be between them.
As much as I love her I don’t think that we can have a relationship because what is there to stop her from doing the same to me? Tell me, should I stop seeing and calling her? Thank you and keep up the good work.


Thank you for your compliment, I continue to try with God’s wisdom and honesty to help those who write to me.
As for you, I realize that you are not comfortable with your situation and rightly so. The questions that are on your mind are the same ones that I would have raised.
You hit the nail on the head by suggesting the possibility that you are being used as a standby lover, until the boyfriend comes home. Some guys may say “well cool” but a right-thinking, moral and at least a self-respecting person would say, “I am worth more than that.”
Also, if this boyfriend treats her so well and she is doing that to him what stops her from doing the same to you? It is unfortunate, but the reality is, many of these couples in long-distant relationships suffer these problems. It is already a challenge to remain faithful when you see your partner every day (such is the pull of our sinful natures) much less those six – eight months and in other cases years-apart relationships.
The truth is, though, I believe that deep down some of the people involved know what happens in their absence and just accept it as inevitable, which is sad.
Let me quickly say, though, that I am sure that there are many couples in like situations who remain faithful towards a common goal which warrants their separation, but at the very least most of them will admit that it is difficult or at least challenging.
As for you, brother, you answered your own question – get out of that mess. If she is unhappy with her boyfriend then let her break up on her own accord, not with you as an insurance plan.