Bassy - Love Vine
June 8, 2018
Anus in de confusion

Ah was telling Lie-Za dat back in de 1980s, De Mighty Professor won de Crown when he sang ah classic Kaiso “Body Confusion.” Ah believe was de great Tanny Peters who wrote dat song. But de gist ah de Kaiso was about ah dream, way all de parts ah de body had “Big Confusion” arguing over who among dem was de most important. Foot was saying dat widout him everybody grounded. “Ha! Ha!”, said hands, “Not when ah could use me hands to feel and crawl way ah want to go.” Same time Eyes asked how dey plan seeing dey way around widout his help.

Nose figured he will follow de scent and join wid Ears, who would listen foh de sound. Mouth argued dat he could ask around and den he said: “If ah doh eat, everybody starve!” From de bottom ah de Stomach, Belly laughed and reminded mouth, dat eating is de first stage, but he Belly is de machine dat converts all de food into de NRG. Heart felt it was time foh him to inform dem if he only stumble and miss ah few beats, distribution of blood would be on hold. Brain, who sits above all, told dem dat every plan, every I-dare dey have, must come up to him foh approval. Den all of ah sudden all de organs started to mal-function, Heart missing beats, Lungs run out ah air, Kidney blocked wid stones; de whole system smelling stink. Dey ran to Brain who informed dem dat Belly was over-full wid Fee-Sees, nothing exiting, and de only answer was dat: “Anus Closed Down de System.”

Ah never see nor hear Lie-Za laugh like if she live out. But dey was mischief behind dat laugh. She say de Kaiso remind her of de NDP Con-vent-shun in Greiggs last Sun-dey. How just like de Brain in de Kaiso, God-win Fry-dey sound read-dey foh office. Daniel spoke from ah clean Mouth; Kay has hwe Eyeson things. Even guest artistes Patches and Abijah sounded like Belly wid nuff stuff thing pile up. She rated Bruce; say he did ah good job organizing. Everybody seemed to have had dey role cut out like de parts ah de body in de Kaiso, except dat somebody inadvertently forget dat Anus was on duty outside, and did not collect de Toilets. Next day ah problem arose, de stench was too much, right away Brain words in de Kaiso was relevant: “Anus Close Down de school!”


Ah want to congratulate Ole George foh his bold, though unsuccessful, attempt at breaking de Guinness Book of Records foh Dancing. De record is held by an Indian and remains unbroken at 123 hours.

Ole George wanted to dance foh 168 hours. He did exactly half. He mad! If I dance one set, ah got to sit down foh three sets.

Tuff luck foh Ole George, but we, as ah small Nay-shun, let him down big time. We literally shun Ole George. Widout being over critical, de public attend-dance bordered Nil. Five schools surround de venue at Peace Mo, but dey was no visits from students. Ah believe de committee might ah done dey best, but dey fell short badly. When ah got by de Venue last Thursday evening, dey was no sign or banner on de building to say ah Guinness Record was up foh grabs. De was good Gospel-Calypso music, but de atmosphere inside was like ah Prayer Meeting. No decorations, no posters, no flags, no spectators. Ah visited every day to an MT hall. Dey was ah time-keeper at ah desk, two or three spectators; ah overs dat on Sun-dey night, ah group from de NDP Convention stopped by. But dey was Ole George alone on de small stage dancing. Not good enough SVG.

It was unfortunate dat he fell off de stage and struck his head; bad stage management. However, dey’s always ah bigger purpose in all set-backs. Knowing Ole George, he will be back at it, and will achieve his gold! Better luck next time Ole George. And wid dat is gone ah gone again.
One Love Bassy
Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.