Older woman molested me when I was thirteen

Hi Rosie,

How are you? I am a regular reader of your weekly column, and I am fascinated with your wisdom and approach to each situation.

I need your advice on a situation that’s going back since I was thirteen. I have never ever discussed this with anyone before and I am now thirty.{{more}}

When I was thirteen-years-old I went to visit a family friend, a much older woman, who sexually molested me. From that moment on I just wanted her to touch me. I feel in love with her. She was the first person who ever touched me in that way and who I felt loved me.

I spent years hung up on that moment, and moments after that. I spent many years lusting after this woman who I soon realized did not care about me, because when I needed her most, she was not there for me. My parents were overseas and the people I was staying with kicked me out at fourteen because I refused to wash and iron their clothes.

A few years later, when I was fifteen, I joined my parents. My folks really gave me a good life. I went to school and now I have a great career that I love.

When I was back in St Vincent, the only thing this woman wanted from me was sex. When I moved here I stayed in contact. But as I got older, it became very clear to me that she never really cared for me. I have never been with a man, and I am very much attracted to females, and continue to be up to present. My family is very much aware of my sexual orientation and have supported me in every area of my life.

What is bothering me most is the fact that whenever I visit St Vincent, this woman still wants to have sex with me beyond my will. I told her that I am in a relationship and I do not have those feelings for her anymore and that I will visit her under the condition that she respects my wishes of no sexual contact with her. It was agreed, but when I went to visit, she wanted to have sex with me, which she did. After my trip, I kept in touch with her. However, we never talk about what happened. Our communication has now ceased because she realizes that I have no interest sexually in her. Rosie, this woman is such a vindictive person.

Deep within my heart I need closure from her. I need to know why she did what she did to me, but I do not have the nerve to confront her. Sometimes I blame myself because I was looking for love and for someone to care for me. Rosie, I felt so alone back then, but I guess those experiences have helped me to be the strong woman I am today.

Should I confront her?

Dear Should I Confront Her,

You are a very brave young woman who by writing this letter will be helping so many others. Let me address directly this predator that obviously has been an “undercover sexual menace”. I am almost 100% sure that this woman has molested other children in the past, and maybe still continues to do so. When are you going to realize that these despicable acts are wrecking the lives of so many? You NEED to get help, lady. You really do! How dare you? We wonder why so many kids act out in schools or in their social lives. Now we can have a clearer understanding of the turmoil many kids face, due to the horrendous acts of others.

I am relieved to hear you say that you realize she IS a vindictive person, and someone you should sever ties with. She changed the very fabric of who you are. She made you feel as though she was the only person who really cared for you, and all of this wasn’t true. Your question to me is if you should confront her? My answer is two fold. Firstly, I would actually write a letter addressed to this woman and list all of the things she did to you and how she made you feel. Honestly stating what it did to you emotionally and psychologically, then seal this letter and BURN IT! Secondly, after doing this, consider this lady dead. You’ve put her and her hurtful actions down permanently.

You have carried this pain around like a heavy anchor for years, keeping you emotionally docked to this very nasty port. Setting her free will then allow you to set sail in a better direction. Confronting her at this point will only cause you more heartache, because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t see that she’s a problem at all! I also would seriously recommend counseling for you. You are still going to need it if you are going to have a healthy relationship moving forward. I would also like to encourage you when you are in a stronger and healthier place to reach out and volunteer with children and young people who have also been abused. I feel that you would be a great asset to them one day.

To any young person who is reading this and is going through something similar, please get help right away. Don’t let them threaten you. Tell a trusted adult, be it a teacher, counselor etc. Sexual Abuse should not happen to anyone. No means no. I would again ask you to reach out for help and let someone know that you are being hurt. Be blessed everyone.

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152,

Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.