Hey Rosie,

It would be unrealistic for me to think and say that I will wholeheartedly follow whatever advice you give me on my situation. However, I will take what you say into consideration, since from previous articles, I’ve gleamed that you know your stuff and I’d like to hear an objective voice. Hopefully your advice can help to steer me in the right direction.{{more}}

I am in my early twenties and currently in my first relationship, apart from a brief flirtation when I was eighteen. Needless to say, I’ve given this guy a lot of myself, both emotionally and physically, because when all is said and done, I love him. I’ve always believed that he wasn’t going to cheat on me and I’m sure he hasn’t. The thing is that we recently got into a serious argument (an argument which was mainly my fault) and both of us being stubborn, refused to speak to each other for three days. During this time, I noticed that he started to chat on his BBM for extended periods and even late into the night. Rosie, we had previously agreed to quit BBM conversations after 10; however he reverted back to doing so in the face of our dispute.

We have since gotten back on good terms, however, the extended conversations are ongoing, and not only that, he has been putting up somewhat sexual pictures and status messages on his BBM profile, which I suspect are geared towards one of his contacts. I don’t know what to do, because during our last tiff, he made the statement that I want to control him and I do not want to be that girl; however, there is only so much a girl can take. I don’t think that he is cheating, at least not physically, but I suspect that he is having an emotional affair, which has the potential to lead to a physical one. If he cheats on me, there is no question that I will leave him, Rosie. I draw the line at cheating or domestic violence.

I’ve been trying not to be suspicious. Trying to push it to the back of my head, but that is futile.What I want to know is this. How do I approach him concerning this BBM issue without inciting another major argument?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Let me first say that you are one of the most savvy, level-headed and methodical 20-something-year-old that I’ve dealt with in a long time. I also can totally appreciate what you said to me in terms of getting an objective opinion/advice; so here goes:

He is playing a game, plain and simple. After reading what has transpired between you, I think he’s at a place where he is exploring his options or pushing his boundaries in your relationship to see if you are going to push back! He knows you are not someone to be played with, yet, like many people, he wants to see how far he can go. Now I hear you about not being a nag etc, but he knows that you are being mature about how you approach him with your concerns. The question is “How is he respecting you with these suggestive pictures and status updates?” Respect has to ebb and flow both ways.

So, before he goes from being an emotional cheater to the real deal, I would actually sit him down and calmly have a true heart-to-heart about how you feel about the direction you see this relationship going. Maybe you can have some points jotted down so you can remain focused and in control while having your “discussion”.

The reason I am suggesting that you should talk to him is: why put yourself through all this anxiety and unhappiness? I am a firm believer that you should deal with these issues head on and early, therefore avoiding a LOT of heartache down the long road. Let me appeal to the very intelligent and practical side of your nature; would you let someone drain you everyday of all of your resources just because you loved them? I think not; love you more!

So, realize that this could either end your relationship or heal it. Either way, your heart will no longer be confused, because it will have a definite direction to move forward in. You are a bright young lady who is going places. There is a man out there who would want to build a great future with you. Maybe this relationship (no matter how much you love him) will give you those signs going forward about “Who not to get with the next time around.”

Be well, my friend, it WILL get better,

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.