Mom, in trying to protect her, you are smothering her

Hey Rosie,

I must first comment on the advice you give to people each week, especially to the young folks around my age – great advice!

I am a 17-year-old intelligent young lady, and I have a serious problem with my mother. She doesn’t give me the freedom I want, to do things as a teen; she wants me to sit around the house all day and treats me like a 3-year-old. I hate this Rosie! and it makes me sick to my bones.{{more}}

I had relationships behind my mother’s back and because of that she lost her trust in me; but the reason why I didn’t tell her about the relationships is because she would be upset with me, so I didn’t, I let her find out by herself.

My mother and I don’t really have a good relationship, but I can talk to her sometimes when she is in the mood; but when it comes to talking about going places to chill with friends or going by friends or even leaving the house a little while, it’s a huge problem to her. The problem with my mother too, is that she never really had a mother and daughter talk with me, so I don’t really know what to look for in life and how challenging it is.

Moreover, Rosie, I have a boyfriend who is a year older than me, and she doesn’t really know I’m with him. She heard people talking and she found out on social network. When she found out this ,she was really upset and told me that I should have nothing to do with my boyfriend again.

I NEED FREEDOM of my own and freedom as a teen; not freedom to do whatever I want, because I’m not an adult as yet, but some teen freedom. What should I do here, Rosie, to prove to my mother that I can be honest to her again?

No Freedom.

Dear No Freedom,

I have to say that you present a very compelling argument and I do agree with many of your insightful points, not ALL of it, but you really do have some valid points.

One of the biggest hurdles for us as parents to jump over is that of trusting our children to make the right decisions on their own. It would seem (from your vantage point) that your mother doesn’t give you this opportunity. You alluded to the fact that you have to creep around her back, because she doesn’t want to let you date or even hang out with your friends. My question to this is, “Why”? Did you mess up in a big way before? Hey, I have to ask, because if that’s the case, you can’t blame her for not trusting your judgment.

But, in your defence, I’m going to address your mother for a moment: Mother, you really have to loosen the grip ever so slightly here. It would seem that you have done an exceptional job so far with this intelligent young lady, but in your quest to protect her (an emotion I FULLY understand) you are smothering her and not allowing her to come into her own naturally. I remember many times telling my mother when I was an adult that even though you thought I didn’t hear you when I was doing my own thing, I did. So when the time came for me to make those major decisions in life, I already had a strong foundation to stand on. You have to do the same.

Please understand that keeping your daughter locked away and not having more open communication only hurts, not helps the situation. I have a feeling, Mother, that you too had the same experiences when growing up and didn’t like it, but unfortunately you can’t seem to make this breakthrough with your daughter. I would not want my daughter creeping around my back. I would like to know whom she’s seeing, who her friends are and her interests. You ladies need to go into counseling to hash your trust issues out.

Back to you, my young sister friend; do NOT disappoint me, then go and do some dumb stuff like having unprotected sex, getting a disease, becoming pregnant or into drugs. You have your own sharp mind so say “No” when your friends try to force you to do something you may not want to. I really do hope both you and your Mom can bridge this great divide; she’s the ONLY mother you will ever have, so let’s embrace it, realize she’s human as well, forgive her and extend the Olive Branch in a truce. You too, Mom!

Rosie

Send questions to Rosie at: heyrosie24@yahoo.com or P.O Box 152, Kingstown, St. Vincent & the Grenadines.

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