Confessions from his diary – Part 3
January 21, 2005
Confessions from his diary – Part 3

Dear Nikki,

Thank God! I was so glad to get your letter. I never meant to hurt you baby. You were everything I ever wanted and hoped for. I hate not being with you. I miss holding you and loving you too. You have no idea how empty my days are without you. {{more}}

Nothing makes me happy now. Only you made me happy. You are the only one I could tell everything. I can’t talk to anyone baby, I am locked up inside. I need you Nikki. I need to know you’re okay. I don’t feel good if you’re not around. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you. You don’t deserve it. I don’t know how I got these things. I am sure it’s not from you. I panicked when I found out. I thought you would leave me. I thought you would hate me, I thought … I wasn’t thinking, I was just panicking. Now everything I was afraid of came true. I have lost everything because I have lost you.

I was unfaithful, Nikki, and I am so sorry for this. Those women never meant anything to me though. None of them could compare with you. I still don’t know why I had sex with them. I even used to tell them I am not leaving my woman for them.

I deserve all the things you think about me. You must be so hurt but I am glad you wrote to me because I really wanted this chance to tell you the truth. Mommy told me I should just leave you alone and let you find a life without me. Maybe that would be best for you but not for me. I can’t think straight these days so if this is all a jumble then please forgive me.

You must be wondering how long I knew before you brought it up. About three weeks. That’s why I was so distant. I know you noticed. I went to my partner Collins and he sent me for the test. When I got the results I felt like I was going to die right then! I swear I thought I was going to drop down. I never went to anyone at home about it even though Collins told me to go for counselling. I couldn’t trust anyone not to talk. Even you. I know now I should’ve trusted you. I should have told you. We could have dealt with this together. I wasn’t thinking. I was so frightened!

From your letter, I realize that the news that I am married has already reached home. People really commess boy! I tried to keep the whole thing private. I feel so ashamed. I only married her to get my papers. My mother arranged it. I don’t know how, I don’t even care. We don’t have a relationship. I don’t even think about sex now. Please, please answer my letter. I need to know you are ok.

Forgive me,