Dear Pastor
May 20, 2005
Am I in love with my good friend?

Dear Pastor,

I was not a real frequent reader of your advice column, but my attention was drawn to it. And since I began reading it I have been impressed with the advice that you give every week.

I am in a situation where I was with a young man for about a year-and-a-half. I can’t say that I loved him, because I don’t think I’ve grasped the concept of love. I am 18 and still trying to find out what love means. But I must say that I do feel something for this guy. But now we are not together anymore, neither of us said the word we’re through, but the distance speaks for itself. {{more}}

I am now in a situation where I miss his company. We do talk, I stop by his work and say hi sometimes, but it is not the same. I really want back what we had so badly but I am not sure how to let him know that.

Mostly because I am afraid of the rejection, should I just forget about him? Or should I tell him how I feel, how should I go about it?

Afraid of Rejection

Dear Afraid of Rejection,

It is not rejection you should be afraid off. I think you should be afraid of being hurt and getting tied up. As you yourself said, you are only eighteen and you are not really sure about what you are feeling.

Now, I do not want you or any reader of this response to get me wrong; this is not an attack on age because I do not hold to the concept that there is a special age to experience romantic feelings or be committed to someone in a relationship. I have seen some forty year-old persons who are not ready. Trust me. So, age is not the issue.

This is about the eighteen -year old girl that wrote this letter to which I am responding. I do not think YOU are ready to pursue this scenario and not only are you not ready in my mind but also I don’t think it is wise. I get the picture of you going into this (possibly older) man’s work place and pushing the issue. For him to back away from you and that distance build without making a final declaration should be an indication for you to back off. Please do not seek to push yourself on this young man because you may be setting yourself up to be used.

And your fear of rejection may very well be the result of the chemistry that you are picking up from him darling, so your own mental defense mechanism is kicking in.

BACK OFF, develop yourself and as you mature and get older that part of your life will fit in place…. Don’t rush it darling, please don’t. If after a year and a half there isn’t a clear cut signal from that young man and you still have to push your head into the door (of his office building) to say hi… Keep your distance. If it is really something then he would see the distance, come after you and then you can wisely, cautiously and with much counsel (from friends, parents and love ones) take it from there.

Pastor Jackson