Dear Pastor
November 26, 2004
Mother prefers ex-boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I always read your column and do enjoy it. I have a serious problem that is getting me real fed up. I was in a relationship with a guy for a couple years and then we broke up. I have since entered into another relationship and I am very happy. I really feel that I have found my true love and could not be happier.

The problem is with my mother. Pastor, she is still holding on to my ex-boyfriend and encouraging him to visit our home. Whenever I protest, she tells me that he is coming to her and not me. {{more}}

Pastor, I know him, he is using her to get at me. Every time she steps away he will touch me or harass me to get back with him. She also bothers me all the time about getting back together with my ex, and I keep telling her that I am a big woman and know what I want. He has some ways that make it impossible for me to be with him, and she doesn’t want to hear that I am really happy and satisfied in my new relationship.

Now, it is really getting to my boyfriend. He doesn’t want anything to do with my mother and even threatened to do something to my ex- boyfriend. I do not want him to get into trouble.

I have threatened to move out, but I really don’t want to because I always say that when I leave my mother’s house it will be to get married. Can you please give me some idea how I could handle this?


Hi DP,

Your mother needs to learn that when children grow into adulthood, the parents’ role is no longer that of director, but rather an advisor. Children are no longer required to obey parents, but must always honour them. Honour them on a whole, including their opinions. However, as an adult a child must choose his/her own way.

I think you may need to get your family together (maybe an uncle or grandparent or someone with the respect of your mother) to help her to see her error. For all I know her choice may be the best choice and you may be choosing junk… But it is YOUR junk to choose and she must realize that. I hope your choice is good though.

As for your boldfaced ex-boyfriend, you may have to play hard ball. If he touches you or harasses you, take him to court. It may seem harsh or unnecessary, but maybe that will get your mother and him to realize you mean business and it will keep your boyfriend out of trouble. Please keep him from doing any thing stupid because that will not benefit any of you.

You may also need to reconsider your plan and maybe move out from home, either to a family’s place or to an apartment or something like that.

If your mummy has any conscience, then this step may only be for a short while as the threat of losing her daughter may wake her up from her blind loyalty to your ex-boyfriend.

Pastor Jackson