Dear Pastor
July 30, 2004
Woman in love with money not hubby

Dear Pastor,
I am a regular reader of your weekly column. I have found it to be very interesting; it keeps me focused. You are doing a good job, congratulations.
Pas, I have a very serious problem I have been encountering for years. I have been in this relationship for approximately 19 years. {{more}} We have two children and have been actually living together for about 12 years. This woman seems to have no genuine love except for money alone. We only can be happy when things are good in our home. Pastor, I had a loan when we were doing work on our home. When the money ended, in no time at all could we be together without noise. She’s always telling me about her previous relationship and she gets vexed if I give my friends anything, but she gives any and everybody anything she wants. Sometimes when we vex she doesn’t cook for me, sometimes even up to three weeks and I am the provider in the house. The only thing keeping this relationship together is money. Pastor, sometimes months will pass and I can’t touch her. If she goes out I have nothing to say, but when I go out she says I have a woman and she starts making noise. Pastor, I am not a violent person and I am not lying. Please give me some advice and guidance.
Fed Up.

Dear Fed Up,
Now I feel it is important for me to start by reminding you that despite what modern society says you are not in a marriage but rather a fornicating relationship that displeases God. The modern liberal thinking may hate that statement but like it or not truth remains true. No such relationship outside of marriage, no matter how long-lasting or good it is, brings glory to God and henceforth is morally and spiritually wrong. That is why I refuse to use the term common law MARRIAGE; the word marriage in my humble opinion should not be associated with that lifestyle. Maybe “shacking up” is more appropriate in my mind.
Having said that I will address your situation firstly by wondering: how really fed up are you? For 19 years you are “with” a woman, 12 of those “shacking up”, being used. Disrespected, yet you are still there and only now throwing your arms up claiming to be fed up? Well I guess you really love this woman and the family you have (your two children). So I suggest you be very stern (not violent or abusive), but very assertive and express your dissatisfaction to her. In fact you may even have to give her an ultimatum because if what you wrote is THE WHOLE TRUTH then that lady has no regard for you.
I want to guess, based on the fact that you have gone through this for so long, that you have to deal with your own manhood and ability to stand up for yourself. I realize you are no spring chicken (age-wise) so it will be hard to change now, but you need some backbone, brother, you are weak. And your lady knows who she is dealing with, hence her behaviour. So though you have waited way too long in my book, pull back the reigns now before you go mad. You should not settle for that situation – on one hand you are living in sin so wouldn’t it be crazy to live IN HELL then die and GO TO HELL?? If the children are the reason for you sticking around, bad idea! You can be a good father without settling for abuse. You see, according to the ages of your children, they are sure to have noticed your plight. So no matter what you do, your responsibility to your kids still remains. But I’m saying you do not have to live like that… But then again, are you really FED UP?????????