Bassy - Love Vine
August 6, 2010
Beware ah de lapped-up plan

My first encounter wid de computer was way back in 1970 when ah had to do two courses, Fortran and Cogo, designed for surveying and engineering. Ah took one look at de Computer and it was intimidating! One massive piece ah equipment de size of ah Church Organ. Ah asked de Instructor how much did it cost, ah grab me belly when he said ah quarter million Canadian dollars, equivalent to four hundred thousand E.C. Right away ah told him it didn’t mek any cents ah did de courses, because way I came from, we would never be able to buy ah piece ah equipment dat expensive.{{more}} Ah was not entirely wrong, but over de years dey have reduced de size ah de Computer so much so, dat right now ah could hide ah computer in me pants pocket. De Computer has become so popular dat it getting Lapped-up by our politrickans. Awe-position leader, Arm-in Eustace announced dat when he tek up office, he will distribute Lapped-up to every school child. Well when de P.M. see how de children Lapped-up de I-dare, he fell foh it, and like every ting ah do me monkey do too, de he came on air right after, and announce dat he too will be giving every child ah Lapped-up too. He even had one on display, Lie-Za say she got one exactly like it, but hers is called ah play station. I am not impressed, not when ah keep hearing bout de burning problems still existing in de schools, teachers increase pay included. When are we going to stop burying we head like Ostrich and tackle de real problem in de education system head-on. Declare ah Rev-all-yuh-shun on de Reading and Rith-math-tic problem; we are told dat dey’s still ah lot ah children in secondary school, not able to read or work out ah simple math problem. Dat children doing science wid half MT Labs, not even ah microscope and in many cases no Labs at all. Energize de “book loan scheme”, parents literally begging foh donations to purchase books. If de success ah de Education Rev-all-yuh-shun was to ensure every child gets to go to ah secondary school, well it is ah tremendous success. But if on de other hand, de success was to ensure ah lickle more dan attendance, but dat every child gets ah secondary education, well den it has fallen short by miles. So let’s not shift from de main focus wid no crazy I-dare bout Lapped-up foh each child. Wouldn’t it have been better if dey had said something like school children would be given ah choice of a variety ah life saving tools: ah goat or sheep, fishing rod, hand saw, hammer, plane, spanners screw driver etc. Before ah forget ah want to congratulate de Fisheries Division (Mr Ryan and staff) foh offering youngsters ah summer program on fishing. De Coast Guard likewise, foh dey summer program on Navigation. Where is de Agriculture Dept, why not ah summer program on how to plant ah tomato or graft ah mango or orange. These have more relevance to our young people’s survival dan de Lapped-up Play Station gimmick.


Last In-dep-and-dence, Guv-ah-mint gave out some six million dollars to approximately thirty thousand school children to celebrate our 30th Anniversary. Ah imagine dat most ah dem children would be under eighteen years ole. Now last week ah read way de Electoral list stands at 98 thousand; dat would be people eighteen years and over. If yuh add dem two totals to-get-her, yuh’ll get 125 thousand plus or minus three thousand. But de last Sense-us in 2001 suggested de population was 107 thousand and reducing. Is either we don’t have 30 thousand school children or 98 thousand voters, because some way in de Maths, we coming up short by 18 thousand. Dat surely needs to be infestigated.


De Prime Minister had classes on Choose-dey morning, and de lecture was on Corrupt-shun. Ah few ah his students bun classes: Arm-In, Care-Not John, “Nice, great and one-dah-full” Dug-He, Kenlyn and Me! He mek sure and send de Home Wuk foh we to do, which is to de-fine Corrupt-shun. Ah had to check my creole Thesaurus and it reads: “Corrupt-shun is like lickle Bobby playing wid Brook-Lax, de mouth watering chocolate coated Lax-ah-thief. De lickle rascal, scope it in de medicine cabinet and got curious, he noticed it got de shape and colour of ah bar ah chocolate, and when he pinch off ah cube and tek ah taste; ah..ha! just as he thought, de look like, shape like, and taste like theory applies, it got to be Chocolate! So he went foh de whole bar, he eat off de pack ah Brook-Lax! Ah day passed and nothing happened, he got away, at least so he thought, so dey all think! By de next day he introduced his buddy to dis mini bar ah chocolate. De friend fell foh de taste and came up wid ah brilliant I-dare, dat dey tek two packs instead. By day number three, things start ah happen, Mammy notice de Brook-Lax gone, she refuse to believe dat her lickle Bobby is de culprit, he too honest foh dat; she even came to his defence. But is only when she notice dat Bobby took up permanent residence in de toilet, is den she realize dat Corrupt-shun sorry, Brook-Lax finally caught up wid Bobby”. Mister Prime Minister, Lie-Za say is ah lot ah yuh people on ah diet, Brook-Lak, and dey dey pon it wid your approval! And wid dat, is gone ah gone again.

One Love Bassy

Bassy Alexander is a land surveyor, folklorist and social commentator.